The S.O.
It's almost been a month since I started to write this post! So there is a Significant Other. I know I might get a lot of hate mail or lose readers (I still cannot believe that people read this!) but I want to explain the whole situation.
We've been together for around 5 years now and in general I don't have major complaints. Our issues be reduced to her hate for NYC and her hate for her job. Clearly i love this city, it might not be the easiest place to live, but I like it and I don't plan to leave it, on the other hand she wants to leave badly (she is originally from a relatively small city in the south). We met in NY and I never promise her to move back, I never lie about that, but it seems like she was hoping that I was going to change my mind, sorry it is not going to happen.
Besides that, in general we are a good couple. I might sound cocky, but I think I'm a great partner. I'm the kind of guy that brings her flowers for no reason whatsoever (and it is something that happens often). I'm that guy that wakes up almost 2 hours earlier than he is supposed to just so he can drive her to work, and then takes the subway so she can keep the car and drive back (no need for her to take the subway). Money wise, I take care of all expenses, she just has to work to pay her student loans and huge credit card debt. I'm also the kind of guy that cooks her dinner almost every night and does laundry (and pays for dry cleaners).
I am also the kind of guy that gives her orgasms whenever we have sex, and totally understands when she is not in the mood. Does it sound too perfect? I know! Sometimes when she gets pissed she calls me that, Mr Perfect... but I am not, I am just the result of my parents, if I learned something from them was that. They love each other to dead, but my dad was rarely involved on that "other side" of life, he was just the person that worked, brought the money, period. Whenever my mom had to e in the hospital for a couple of weeks, my dad was totally useless (living of take out food). The deal they had was clear, my mom didn't had to work but she was going to take of everything else. Apparently it was a fair deal, but my mom always pushed us to be independent (as in not depend on somebody to take care of us). My point is that I do what I do because I want to, and it is not a sacrifice.
So after all that, I do have what seems to be a problem. I don't have a problem having sex with other people. Let me clarify this, I don't fuck everything that moves, and I don;t do it all the time. It might had happen twice since I've been with the SO, even though I had more chances than that. here's the deal, for me it was just sex, i love the SO and in no moment the thought of leaving her crossed my mind. This might sound awful, but I was just satisfying a need, if you are hungry, you eat, if you are horny, you fuck. The 2 people I did it with were in the same boat, there were no feelings involved besides a friendship.
So even though i had the chance to score twice (that girl from the previous story has been texting me a lot) I didn't do it. Probably the question that a lot of people are going to ask is: what if she did the same to you? The honest answer is that I would understand, i would be shocked, but if she assures me that it was just sex I would be fine. A don't ask don't tell policy would be the same. We were raised with an overcomplicated idea of sex. Yeah it is better if you have sex with somebody that you love, but you cannot deny the power of a good old fuck fueled just by passion and desire.
Am i THAT weird? Am I too much of an asshole?
It's almost been a month since I started to write this post! So there is a Significant Other. I know I might get a lot of hate mail or lose readers (I still cannot believe that people read this!) but I want to explain the whole situation.
We've been together for around 5 years now and in general I don't have major complaints. Our issues be reduced to her hate for NYC and her hate for her job. Clearly i love this city, it might not be the easiest place to live, but I like it and I don't plan to leave it, on the other hand she wants to leave badly (she is originally from a relatively small city in the south). We met in NY and I never promise her to move back, I never lie about that, but it seems like she was hoping that I was going to change my mind, sorry it is not going to happen.
Besides that, in general we are a good couple. I might sound cocky, but I think I'm a great partner. I'm the kind of guy that brings her flowers for no reason whatsoever (and it is something that happens often). I'm that guy that wakes up almost 2 hours earlier than he is supposed to just so he can drive her to work, and then takes the subway so she can keep the car and drive back (no need for her to take the subway). Money wise, I take care of all expenses, she just has to work to pay her student loans and huge credit card debt. I'm also the kind of guy that cooks her dinner almost every night and does laundry (and pays for dry cleaners).
I am also the kind of guy that gives her orgasms whenever we have sex, and totally understands when she is not in the mood. Does it sound too perfect? I know! Sometimes when she gets pissed she calls me that, Mr Perfect... but I am not, I am just the result of my parents, if I learned something from them was that. They love each other to dead, but my dad was rarely involved on that "other side" of life, he was just the person that worked, brought the money, period. Whenever my mom had to e in the hospital for a couple of weeks, my dad was totally useless (living of take out food). The deal they had was clear, my mom didn't had to work but she was going to take of everything else. Apparently it was a fair deal, but my mom always pushed us to be independent (as in not depend on somebody to take care of us). My point is that I do what I do because I want to, and it is not a sacrifice.
So after all that, I do have what seems to be a problem. I don't have a problem having sex with other people. Let me clarify this, I don't fuck everything that moves, and I don;t do it all the time. It might had happen twice since I've been with the SO, even though I had more chances than that. here's the deal, for me it was just sex, i love the SO and in no moment the thought of leaving her crossed my mind. This might sound awful, but I was just satisfying a need, if you are hungry, you eat, if you are horny, you fuck. The 2 people I did it with were in the same boat, there were no feelings involved besides a friendship.
So even though i had the chance to score twice (that girl from the previous story has been texting me a lot) I didn't do it. Probably the question that a lot of people are going to ask is: what if she did the same to you? The honest answer is that I would understand, i would be shocked, but if she assures me that it was just sex I would be fine. A don't ask don't tell policy would be the same. We were raised with an overcomplicated idea of sex. Yeah it is better if you have sex with somebody that you love, but you cannot deny the power of a good old fuck fueled just by passion and desire.
Am i THAT weird? Am I too much of an asshole?
posted by El Cuervo at 12:47 PM
9 Comments:
You are a man. I took an entire class in college that taught that everything you just described is basic male instinct. You can love someone but have casual, meaningless sex with others. Personally, if I were ever to completely commit to a relationship, I would not tolerate cheating or extra-relationship sex. But each person is individual, and so is each relationship. The issue I would have is that it's dishonest. She doesn't know. It would probably devastate her.
my response started to get kind of long, so I'm responding in my own blog...
so she is not your wife?
I think Chris said everything I was going to say.
It's not for me, and I couldn't do it. If I'm in a committed relationship - and five years is definitely committed - that means no sex with anyone else.
Some people are open to multiple sex partners, but it's usually discussed before that.
I don't know that it makes you weird, or that any of us has a right to judge you as an asshole: at least not from the outside.
But if I were her? I'd probably be calling you one.
Well, I think you know what I would say, given my circumstance. Yes, to each his own, to a certain extent. I think the two major important things to be responsible about are: a) making sure you would never jeapordize her health by doing something stupid (ie. STDs, etc.), and b) being honest about your love for her; I believe love in one relationship should be evaluated separate from all others, sexual or no. It's easy to be lured into comparing S.O. with others, emotionally, physically, mentally. Just don't fall for it. Perhaps I am a terrible influence... and perhaps I too am an asshole.
If you are an asshole (which you're not!), I am exactly the same kind of asshole. I, too, need to be in a relationship that allows for us being able to fuck other people sometimes. That is just the way I am. I no longer believe in total monogamy. I think what you're doing is fine. It would, of course, be better if she would know and it would be cool with her, and maybe she'd fuck other people sometimes, too. That's the kind of relationship/freedom that I'd like to find in my own life.
I wish that would work, but every guy I date wants me all to himself.
I guess it all depends on how you define cheating. Pure animalistic sex, well that's nature and not love.
I am devouring every single word of this blog. You are not wrong -- it just takes living it to see it.
EC, Interesting blog. When I got married I didn't have some hidden agenda or plan to cheat on my husband. But I also did not sign up for a sexless marriage. Yes, I taken the cheating quite far by having several lovers and finally settling on one with whom I've been in an affair for three years now. I know I am judged harshly by those who believe in fidelity. But they aren't living with a spouse who hasn't touched them, hugged them, and definitely not had sex with in almost 4 years.Until you've walked in another's shoes, you may want to hold judgement. Regarding your relationship, I agree that you can compartmentalize sex from loving relationships. Thanks for dropping by my blog.
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